So You Think You Need A Nanny…Part 1

momandbabyPeople don’t think being a nanny could possibly be a profession that takes years of education and experience to master, and it frustrates me to no end.  So, I want to demonstrate how absolutely ridiculous people sound when looking for a “nanny.”

To see the ad that inspired this post: click here.

I will create another post later to explain why the above ad is so offensive to professionals, such as myself.

Household Help and Surgeon Needed.

I am in need of someone to perform surgery on myself, and perhaps other family members, and friends if needed, at our convenience.  We would need for you to be on-call Monday-Friday from 7AM-6PM.  Pay would be offered at $12.50 per hour to start, with written reviews after 14 days, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, and then every six months.  Written reviews have the potential for a 3%-15% pay raise based on performance.  This is a long-term position, a minimum of three years, and would require that the applicant have vast knowledge of human anatomy, surgical equipment, and some type of medical training.  We would offer the right applicant health, dental, and vision insurance after six months of service, and two weeks of paid vacation after nine months of service.  You will be provided with sterilization equipment (unless you choose to bring your own).

The right person would be responsible for anesthesia, opening (cutting), and closing (stitches).  You must be patient, as well as have a steady hand.

We want someone who would be willing to do housekeeping as well.  You would essentially be responsible for dusting, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, laundry, straightening up, making beds, changing & laundering bedding 3x a week, taking out garbage, washing windows, and cleaning the bathroom.

This would be a long-term, full-time, live-out position that offers many benefits.  Our perfect applicant would be male, Jewish or Indian, between the ages of 45-55, NON-SMOKER, drug free, active, healthy, able to multi-task efficiently, perform surgery on a regular basis, and have a clean driving record.  Applicant must also be personable, reliable, honest, hard-working, and be able to take directions well.  You MUST have your own vehicle that is fully insured, along with a valid driver’s license.  A copy of your driving history would be great.

We ask that you submit your resume, or a three year work history, reference contact information, along with your contact information.  Interviews will be held in a public place, and you will be required to submit to all requirements before being hired.  We take our surgeries very seriously, and do not want any issues.  We do require a criminal background check, and drug testing to be completed.  We require that the applicant be CPR certified, First Aid trained, and be able to do that thing where you poke a hole in someone’s neck and the breathe into it with a straw.  Should you need to be certified in CPR/First Aid, and that thing with the straw, we would pay for that.  We will require random drug testing that we pay for.

We will require that you wear a uniform – for no other reason than to be ridiculous and make you uncomfortable.  We will provide latex-free gloves for when it comes to performing surgery and cleaning duties.  Hair must be kept short, and under a cap when operating, to keep it out of our organs and tissue.

Interested applicants can write to us at (a ridiculous email address).  Serious applicants only need apply.  Please put “surgeon” in the subject line so we know you are not spam.  If an email does not contain the code word, it will be treated as spam and deleted.  Failure to follow directions would be a reason for us to not hire you.

If you really wanna piss me off…

Alright, I’ve got a little something to get off of my chest.  Some of you probably won’t like it too much, but too damn bad.  It MUST be said!

I do not have children.  I’ve wanted to have children my whole life.  However, this has not happened for me.  And now at age 40, my hopes aren’t so high for it ever happening.  People in situations similar to mine; like never having the opportunity (I’ve never been pregnant), or fertility issues, really, really fucking HATE two things.

First, they hate to listen to you bitch about parenthood.  I understand that it’s tough, it’s really hard work, it’s exhausting and heartbreaking at times.  Anybody with half a fucking brain knows this.  It’s hard.  It’s just that to the ears of someone who desperately wants a child, it sounds like you don’t appreciate the wonderful child(ren) you have, and then we just think you’re an asshole and don’t deserve them.

The next one is a more unique situation.  People like me, single, childless, probably for the long haul…but who have made a career of raising children, really want to slap the shit out of anyone who says, “Oh but you don’t even have children, you don’t understand.”  “It’s different when it’s your OWN child, you just don’t know.”  Umm…listen good, because I’m only going to say this once.  RUDE!  And incredibly ignorant.

Granted, there may be a few people out there, for which this is true.  But I’m pretty sure it’s not the chick who has been raising other people’s children since she was 17 years-old.  Probably not the girl who had kids in her bed at night, puking on her, had newborns keeping her up all night, and worked many 24/7 shifts as a live in nanny.  It’s not the lady who has 22 years of experience, raising a wide variety of children, from very diverse families with a variety of special needs, and studying early childhood development theory, at a really excellent school, by the way.  Who managed to earn several certifications along the way, is a known expert in potty training, and newborn care.  Not the girl who wrote music and art curriculum, and raised more kids than you ever will.  Nope, not that girl.

I’m fucking intelligent enough to understand the unique dynamics of the parent/child relationship.

But what’s great about this lady (me), is that I still have objectivity.  Parents have a need to justify whatever it is their doing, keeping right in line with Belief Dependent Realism.  So parents out there, writing similar shit to me, are saying, “I did this, so here’s why it’s all good.  I’ve even used my Confirmation Bias to prove that I’m right!”

The great thing about me?  I change my methods based on evidence, I am objective.  I have more practice than most people out there.  But even better, I have practice in so many different situations, thatwhat you did I’m not like one of those people who have a hammer, so everything is automatically a nail.  I see the big picture.  I see the uniqueness in every situation.  And I am majorly creative.

I mention this because today someone questioned my abilities.  Well, the proof is in the pudding, son.  The children I’ve raised are amazingly awesome human beings.  The center I run is one of THE best in the state.  Our infant room makes other infant rooms look like that trash compactor thing that Han Solo, Chewbacca, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia fell into.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you don’t have to take my advice, but you’ll be really happy you did.

And if anyone says to me “You don’t know because you don’t have kids.”  I’m gonna push them into the trash compactor and cross my fingers that a dianoga gets them.