People don’t think being a nanny could possibly be a profession that takes years of education and experience to master, and it frustrates me to no end. So, I want to demonstrate how absolutely ridiculous people sound when looking for a “nanny.”
To see the ad that inspired this post: click here.
I will create another post later to explain why the above ad is so offensive to professionals, such as myself.
Household Help and Surgeon Needed.
I am in need of someone to perform surgery on myself, and perhaps other family members, and friends if needed, at our convenience. We would need for you to be on-call Monday-Friday from 7AM-6PM. Pay would be offered at $12.50 per hour to start, with written reviews after 14 days, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, and then every six months. Written reviews have the potential for a 3%-15% pay raise based on performance. This is a long-term position, a minimum of three years, and would require that the applicant have vast knowledge of human anatomy, surgical equipment, and some type of medical training. We would offer the right applicant health, dental, and vision insurance after six months of service, and two weeks of paid vacation after nine months of service. You will be provided with sterilization equipment (unless you choose to bring your own).
The right person would be responsible for anesthesia, opening (cutting), and closing (stitches). You must be patient, as well as have a steady hand.
We want someone who would be willing to do housekeeping as well. You would essentially be responsible for dusting, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, laundry, straightening up, making beds, changing & laundering bedding 3x a week, taking out garbage, washing windows, and cleaning the bathroom.
This would be a long-term, full-time, live-out position that offers many benefits. Our perfect applicant would be male, Jewish or Indian, between the ages of 45-55, NON-SMOKER, drug free, active, healthy, able to multi-task efficiently, perform surgery on a regular basis, and have a clean driving record. Applicant must also be personable, reliable, honest, hard-working, and be able to take directions well. You MUST have your own vehicle that is fully insured, along with a valid driver’s license. A copy of your driving history would be great.
We ask that you submit your resume, or a three year work history, reference contact information, along with your contact information. Interviews will be held in a public place, and you will be required to submit to all requirements before being hired. We take our surgeries very seriously, and do not want any issues. We do require a criminal background check, and drug testing to be completed. We require that the applicant be CPR certified, First Aid trained, and be able to do that thing where you poke a hole in someone’s neck and the breathe into it with a straw. Should you need to be certified in CPR/First Aid, and that thing with the straw, we would pay for that. We will require random drug testing that we pay for.
We will require that you wear a uniform – for no other reason than to be ridiculous and make you uncomfortable. We will provide latex-free gloves for when it comes to performing surgery and cleaning duties. Hair must be kept short, and under a cap when operating, to keep it out of our organs and tissue.
Interested applicants can write to us at (a ridiculous email address). Serious applicants only need apply. Please put “surgeon” in the subject line so we know you are not spam. If an email does not contain the code word, it will be treated as spam and deleted. Failure to follow directions would be a reason for us to not hire you.