If you don’t love it, don’t buy it.

This is gonna be a quickie!

I have this really awesome friend in Chicago who was a boutique owner and absolutely fucking amazing at her job.  Man could she sell the shit outta some clothes!  And everybody loved her.  Well, I’m sure they still love her…but let me tell you why.

She never let anyone leave her store with something they weren’t absolutely in love with.  Clothes shopping is a real pain in the ass, I mean, does ANYONE enjoy it anymore?  Well, people loved shopping with my friend.  She would spend hours with people, and she knows how to dress a motherfucker too! You didn’t really have to do anything with her, SHE did the choosing, you did the trying on.  And when a customer let out an “eh”, or “I’m not sure.”  It was FUCK IT!  Back to the drawing board.  “If you don’t love it, don’t buy it.”  And believe me no one ever had buyers remorse, and she was friends with EVERYONE!

What does this have to do with parenting, you ask?  A lot.  Because there is A LOT of shit out there to try on in the form of parenting advice, and everyone has an opinion.  Most people don’t know that I absolutely HATE v-neck shirts, so if you throw me the most beautiful blouse in the world…and it has a v-neck…well, I don’t love it, so I’m not buying it.  That doesn’t mean I’m wrong, or that there isn’t a shirt for me, it just means that THAT shirt isn’t for me.

Parents, you need to take your child-rearing advice the same way.  Everybody is going to tell you some kind of way of doing some stupid shit that just feels all wrong and v-necky to you.  So hear me now, if you don’t love it, don’t buy it.  


Perfect Swaddle

Yay! Finally Baby Larry has arrived, and I can share my step-by-step swaddle instructions!

This swaddle uses two regular old receiving blankets, like the kind you can steal from the hospital. It doesn’t matter what size they are, or if they are even square.


Fold the first blanket into something resembling a triangle, roughly the length of your baby.


Fold the second blanket completely in half, and lay it on top of the first blanket about one inch higher.


Lay your baby in the center with his/her shoulders about one inch above the top of the blankets.


Fold one corner of the top blanket over one arm, and tuck under baby’s body.


Wrap and tuck the other corner.
If your baby is small, one blanket is enough. But you can adjust this swaddle to fit your baby as he/she grows. You never need to buy fancy, expensive blankets.

For bigger babies:


Wrap and tuck one corner of the bottom blanket.


Repeat with the other corner.

There you go, the best fucking swaddle ever!


Space is left around the neck and shoulders so that baby can’t get his/her head nestled into a pocket of blanket, and then start breathing only carbon dioxide.

The legs are left free so you never have to worry about hip dysplasia.

There is no age where you have to stop swaddling. If your baby rolls over WHILE SWADDLED, it’s time to stop. But I have seen 12 month olds who love to be swaddled and remain on their backs while swaddled, even though they’re perfectly capable of rolling over, and even walking.

So get yourself some cheap ass blankets and go to town!