Perfect Swaddle

Yay! Finally Baby Larry has arrived, and I can share my step-by-step swaddle instructions!

This swaddle uses two regular old receiving blankets, like the kind you can steal from the hospital. It doesn’t matter what size they are, or if they are even square.


Fold the first blanket into something resembling a triangle, roughly the length of your baby.


Fold the second blanket completely in half, and lay it on top of the first blanket about one inch higher.


Lay your baby in the center with his/her shoulders about one inch above the top of the blankets.


Fold one corner of the top blanket over one arm, and tuck under baby’s body.


Wrap and tuck the other corner.
If your baby is small, one blanket is enough. But you can adjust this swaddle to fit your baby as he/she grows. You never need to buy fancy, expensive blankets.

For bigger babies:


Wrap and tuck one corner of the bottom blanket.


Repeat with the other corner.

There you go, the best fucking swaddle ever!


Space is left around the neck and shoulders so that baby can’t get his/her head nestled into a pocket of blanket, and then start breathing only carbon dioxide.

The legs are left free so you never have to worry about hip dysplasia.

There is no age where you have to stop swaddling. If your baby rolls over WHILE SWADDLED, it’s time to stop. But I have seen 12 month olds who love to be swaddled and remain on their backs while swaddled, even though they’re perfectly capable of rolling over, and even walking.

So get yourself some cheap ass blankets and go to town!

Bringing Home Baby

My sister just brought home two new baby girls. She lives far away, so I can’t be there to help her out right now, but luckily there are lots of other family and friends there for her. But what does that “help” look like?

For most new parents, getting home with a brand new baby is overwhelming. You’re in your home, it’s still the same place, you’re still the same person, except for this one little tiny HUGE difference: baby.

When you bring your baby home, everybody in the fucking free world wants to “help” you. They will offer themselves up if you need “anything at all.” But mostly, they’re full of shit. Not everyone, of course, but mostly. Here’s why: They want to “help” you, by holding your baby. And that is NOT the help you need.

The first few weeks should be focused on momma and baby, and dad too of course, where applicable. This time is for baby to bond with his/her primary caregivers (usually mom and dad). People shouldn’t be passing baby around while ignoring mom. So for those of you who truly want to help a new momma, here’s what you can do:

– Make sure she is comfortable
– Give her time to cuddle and love on her new baby
– Make sure you’ve had a pertussis booster, and that you wash your hands frequently
– If you are sick, stay away!
– Help with housework; dishes, laundry, meal prep, etc.
– Make sure mom is eating, and staying hydrated
– Let mom nap when baby is napping
– Run errands
– Keep the home environment quiet
– Let mom take a shower
– Help wrangle siblings
– Be a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on if need be. A new baby brings on a ton of emotions
– If her birth didn’t go as planned, it can be really traumatic. Listen to her birth story, and help her process it

Moms, before baby arrives, make some plans:

– Change your outgoing voicemail to say you are bonding with baby, therefore not answering the phone, and essentially, “Leave me the fuck alone.” Then, turn off your phone.
– Have a press secretary, a friend or relative who can field questions, and give updates
– Have a “safe word”, yeah, a safe word. Something you can say to a trusted friend or relative that means, “Get all of these fucking people away from me before I slap they ass.”

Moms, once home, let yourself fall into a routine. Take it easy, don’t try to force yourself back into your old life. Things will be different now. Take it slowly, and you will find what works for you. Don’t be afraid to tell people exactly what you need from them. People like to feel needed and helpful, so speak up. If guests are becoming more of a hindrance, than help, kick them out. This is your time to be with your baby. You’re forging a new relationship, and it should happen on your terms, not your neighbor’s or best friend’s.

I’ve always said, if I have a baby, good luck to anyone trying to pry it out of my arms, I will eat their face off, like that Chimp in Ohio.