On A Serious Note: Pregnancy Loss

One of the hardest parts of my job is being aware of the shockingly high likelihood of pregnancy loss. I have seen so many women go through this, time and again, and it never gets easier. What stands out to me the most is the feeling of isolation that comes after. It is impossible to process on your own. There are no words that can sufficiently express your thoughts and feelings. How can anyone possibly understand what you’re going through?

I am sharing a post with you, written a very funny and brilliant woman, Jean Villepique. She just so happens to be my very first instructor ever at Second City. Improvisers generally have a unique take on life, and are able to take on any battle with humor, and guts. And I mean GUTS, like, chutzpah, balls, however you like to say it.

It is a wonderful read for anyone dealing with pregnancy loss, either personally, or with family and friends. I hope you can appreciate this post as much as I did. And please know that you are not alone.

In case you missed it, it’s right here.

Perfect Swaddle

Yay! Finally Baby Larry has arrived, and I can share my step-by-step swaddle instructions!

This swaddle uses two regular old receiving blankets, like the kind you can steal from the hospital. It doesn’t matter what size they are, or if they are even square.


Fold the first blanket into something resembling a triangle, roughly the length of your baby.


Fold the second blanket completely in half, and lay it on top of the first blanket about one inch higher.


Lay your baby in the center with his/her shoulders about one inch above the top of the blankets.


Fold one corner of the top blanket over one arm, and tuck under baby’s body.


Wrap and tuck the other corner.
If your baby is small, one blanket is enough. But you can adjust this swaddle to fit your baby as he/she grows. You never need to buy fancy, expensive blankets.

For bigger babies:


Wrap and tuck one corner of the bottom blanket.


Repeat with the other corner.

There you go, the best fucking swaddle ever!


Space is left around the neck and shoulders so that baby can’t get his/her head nestled into a pocket of blanket, and then start breathing only carbon dioxide.

The legs are left free so you never have to worry about hip dysplasia.

There is no age where you have to stop swaddling. If your baby rolls over WHILE SWADDLED, it’s time to stop. But I have seen 12 month olds who love to be swaddled and remain on their backs while swaddled, even though they’re perfectly capable of rolling over, and even walking.

So get yourself some cheap ass blankets and go to town!

People Are People

Get ready to have your mind blown…

What the hell is wrong with these idiots?

What the hell is wrong with these idiots?

Did you know that your kids are people?  Even your newborn is a person!  A whole entire person, albeit a small one, with a whole entire range of emotions and ideas!

Do you know how I know?  I mean besides all of that science mumbo-jumbo that gets thrown around (read Dr. John Medina).  I know because I was once a child.  Crazy.  I know.  I consider myself lucky to have very vivid memories going all the way back to toddlerhood.  If for no other reason than I can pull from them in order to help myself understand children.

The most prominent thing for me is my “inner voice”, you know, the thoughts you think, and the “voice” that narrates them.  I do a lot of thinking.  I remember doing a lot of thinking as a child.  Here’s the thing, that “voice” is the exact same voice I “heard” when I was an itty bitty.  That voice HAS NOT CHANGED in the least.  You know what this tells me?  It tells me that I’ve always been me.  That children are always the same person.  Of course, as grown-ups we know many of the changes that lie ahead, but kids don’t.  They can’t, because they learn through experience.  And frankly, how much experience can a three year-old have?

On my fourth birthday (which is Christmas Day, go me!) I got a baby buggy, like an old-school pram thingy.  I loved it!  I remember thinking something along the lines of: WHOA!  THIS SHIT IS TIGHT, YO!  I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.  Anyway, bonus for me, not only did I have a brand new, sweet-ass ride for my dolls… I.  WAS.  FOUR!  FOUR!!!  Come on people, go there with me.  HOLY SHIT!  I’M FUCKING FOUR YEARS OLD!  This is as old as I’ve EVER been!  I am CLEARLY fully grown, and I’m ready to take on the world!  Look out, bitchez!  I’m four, and I’m coming for you!

Do you remember being four?  Try.  Try to remember how you felt.  Hell, try to remember how you felt on any day when you were little.

Yes, having your birthday on Christmas blows.  But at least no one was concerned about safety back then, and I got to walk my happy, four-year-old ass two blocks down the street to my “Gramma Charlie’s” house (where we had family gatherings), IN the snow… WITH my awesome baby buggy… ALL BY MYSELF!  Actually, I walked it alone before I was four, and in all kinds of weather.  But GOD DAMN IT!  Today I’m FOUR!  FUCK YEAH!

Seriously, I tear-up remembering how happy I was to be four.  I wore THE BIGGEST smile while I was walking, all the while, absolutely BURSTING!  When I got to Gramma Charlie’s with my buggy, I announced to everyone, “I’M FOUR!”  And the grown-ups were all like, “that’s great”, “happy birthday”, and shit.  Obviously they had never been four, because this shit was off the chizz-ain!

The point here is that no matter how young, in your child’s mind, they are always the same person.  Think of who you are now, and then think about how you like to be treated.  That is all your children want…  To be treated like a person whose feelings matter, and whose thoughts are validated, and to be respected as an individual.  Trying to control children, dismissing them, thinking that this time while they’re little is just an obstacle to a time when they can do everything for themselves and your life will be so much easier – is a recipe for disaster.  This time DOES matter.  Every fucking day matters.  Not all people have memories going back so far, but even if you don’t remember being little… it still happened.  And it shaped who you are right this very minute.

Your kids are people, treat them as such.

And PS, now that you’re a parent, your life will never be easy again.  I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but it’s true.  “Newborn” is as easy as it gets.  For the rest of your life you will lose sleep over, have your heart broken by, and worry about the safety of your children.  At least newborns can’t drive, say they hate you, or marry a total asshole.


If There Was a Problem…


The first step is to collaborate and listen.

A wise man once said, “If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it.” Which has been my motto for, at least the last 10 minutes.

I think my thing is that I tend to work backwards.  Like with new computer software, I WILL make that shit do what I want it to do… somehow.  I mean it, I WILL get there.  You need me to break into your car?  Well, I’ve never done that before, but I WILL do it now (true story)!

I pick an end goal, and then start problem solving in order to make it happen.  After all, if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.  Am I right, people!?!  Or rather, is Lewis Carroll right, people!?!  The other thing I tend to do, at least with kids, is to focus on what I can do, and not what I can’t.  I can make a whole list of reasons why I can’t do something, believe me.  But what good is dwelling on that?  None.  No good.  However, focusing on the things that can be done – even if you aren’t successful – will give you a more positive outcome, ESPECIALLY WITH CHILDREN.

I remember this one time when a seven year old asked me if she could get her “driving license.” The obvious answer, of course, was no. She wasn’t old enough, duh! End of discussion. But I didn’t say that. I explained to her that there are steps to getting a driver’s license. There are things that you need to do first.  I told her that she would need to know about traffic laws.  That she could get a permit to practice driving at 15 and a half. That she could take driver’s education classes, that she could learn about cars and driving, that she could even save money to buy her own car… blah, blah, blah.  Oh man, she was SO excited!  She decided that she can watch how other people drive, like her parents, while riding in the car, AND that she would, in fact, be saving her money for a car.  From what I could gather, she was A LOT happier than if I had just said, “No, you’re too young.”  A little disappointed perhaps, but now she had a goal in mind, and knew what steps she had to take to reach that goal.  Then, she went and made a bed for her dolls out of a newspaper and a box of tissues, using only a stapler.  Which I thought was pretty cool.

Maybe it’s just me, but what’s wrong with children having ideas, even crazy ideas? Even if your gut reaction is “THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS!” Why wouldn’t you help your little one brainstorm solutions?  YOU might think it’s impossible, but what if you tried thinking about what IS possible? Actually… anything is possible.  For all you know, that problem has already been solved in another dimension (Personally, I like to think that that is true for all of my own problems).  One of my favorite talents is that I can take two completely unrelated events and demonstrate cause and effect.  One time I told Chase bank I was late on a credit card payment due to the birth of Jesus.  I’ll let you get there on your own, but I made a pretty compelling case.  So compelling, in fact, that the guy on the phone was speechless, and apologized to me.  He later hung up on me though, after I said I didn’t know what month it was because it’s not like that information is available to just anyone.  But I digress…  I’m just saying, put your thinking cap on once in awhile, it’s good for you, and you will raise kids who do the same.

Aww yeah... I got this, bitchez!

Aww yeah… I got this, bitchez!

If you think about it hard enough, you will find that there is a solution to every problem.  Don’t just be the mean old naysayer, be a thinker.  Be creative.  Think WITH your kids.  Brainstorm.  Write that shit down if you need to.  This is not “extra work”, people, this is parenting.  24/7/365…for the rest of your life (although it will feel like 25/8/one million-billion).

Don’t be afraid, yes parenting is work that you don’t always feel like doing.  The good news is that, at times, that’s okay too!  (We’ll talk about when don’t nobody got time for that shit another post.)

You don’t have to have all of the answers, but you do need to be willing to think, and to find out.

Rape Culture, Consent, and Young Children

With all of this talk about “Rape Culture” of late, I feel I need to point out some really fucking obvious things that often go overlooked by parents.  First, know that your child will be affected by rape/sexual assault; as a perpetrator, a victim, or a friend/family member of a perpetrator or victim.  Hell, or even all of the above.  If you are unaware of how prevalent rape culture is in our society, or if you are worried about how to raise your child in this ass-backward world, this is for you.

What it boils down to are some major flaws in the way we parent our children, the way we were parented as children, and the way our parents were parented as children, and so on…you get the idea.  God, I hope you get the idea.

Fear not! I don’t want any parents to feel lost or hopeless.  So, here’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna break it down for you. From where I sit, it comes down to three things:

1: Raising obedient children.  “Because I’m the parent, that’s why!”  Listen up, if that’s your attitude, you’re missing the point.  Your goal as a parent should be to raise a functioning adult, NOT an obedient child.  Children need to be taught how to make good choices, how to take responsibility for their behavior (both good and bad), and have a sense that their thoughts and feelings are not an extension of you, mom/dad/caregiver.  Here’s a hint that’s easy to remember; your child is not a mini you.  No matter how much you want them to be, they are not.  Get over it now, so that you can raise a happy, healthy child.  They won’t always make the same choices you would make, and that’s okay.  Give them loads of opportunities to make loads of choices, even ones that you don’t like. Remember, you’re raising a functioning adult!

2:  Not having and/or enforcing boundaries.  You know what I’m talking about, threatening a punishment you will never follow through with, giving-in to begging 30 minutes after you said “no” the first time, because you’re just sick of listening to it.  Both, really, really bad ideas.  Really.  I mean it.  If you want to confuse your child, do those two things.  I’m 1000% anti-spanking, but if you threaten to spank your child, you damn well better be prepared to do it.

So… Why do these things matter?  Because they teach your child that you’re the boss? No. The opposite actually. They teach your child that people have (and should have) boundaries, and that those boundaries are to be respected. It teaches them that it is okay for them to have boundaries too. AND that anyone who is not respecting their boundaries is not a good, safe person. (Right here I want to scream, “FUCKING DUH!!!”) Your child cannot set boundaries if they don’t know what boundaries look like. Your child cannot enforce said boundaries if they’ve never seen it done.
Boundaries are a huge deal in every aspect of life. It’s never too early to start teaching your little one about them. 

3: Teaching children that their bodies are not their own.  You know how you do that?  You physically snatch them up without a word when it’s time to go somewhere.  You use time-outs where you have to restrain them.  You tell them, “That didn’t hurt.” when they bump their head, or fall down. You use any type of physical punishment at all.  You force them to clean their plate, and/or use food as a bribe, punishment, or reward when it suits you.  You punish them when they miss their potty break.  You make them give Crazy Aunt Lisa a hug and kiss when they don’t want to. You intervene when they are not completing a task quickly enough for you, or to your liking.
No, I am not shitting you.  All of these things send the message to your child that their body doesn’t belong to them.  It may be subtle to you, but it’s loud and clear to itty bitties.  And the worst part (I love when parents say, “They won’t even remember…”), it gets wired into their developing brain.  So that later, when they’re grown-up, they will have all kinds of weird body issues…but won’t remember why.  And we wonder why people need therapy.

The above are also good ways to teach your child that they don’t need to respect anyone else’s body either.  Not exactly what you were shooting for, huh? 

This is what we’re talking about when we talk about “consent”. Your body belongs to you. And other people’s bodies belong to them. You don’t put your hands on someone without their permission. You don’t snatch toys away from another child. When someone tells you to stop chasing them, you stop. These are just examples, but again, you get the idea.

Please know that I understand that parenting is REALLY fucking hard, and that you’re a human being. So, let’s just say that there are ways around enforcing EVERY single rule, ALL of the time, that still respect your boundaries. There are many situations where you have to touch your child without their permission. But for our purposes here, I need to stress these points in black and white language.

And one last point: parents and caregivers, you don’t have to be perfect. Just do your best.

So You Think You Need A Nanny…Part 1

momandbabyPeople don’t think being a nanny could possibly be a profession that takes years of education and experience to master, and it frustrates me to no end.  So, I want to demonstrate how absolutely ridiculous people sound when looking for a “nanny.”

To see the ad that inspired this post: click here.

I will create another post later to explain why the above ad is so offensive to professionals, such as myself.

Household Help and Surgeon Needed.

I am in need of someone to perform surgery on myself, and perhaps other family members, and friends if needed, at our convenience.  We would need for you to be on-call Monday-Friday from 7AM-6PM.  Pay would be offered at $12.50 per hour to start, with written reviews after 14 days, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, and then every six months.  Written reviews have the potential for a 3%-15% pay raise based on performance.  This is a long-term position, a minimum of three years, and would require that the applicant have vast knowledge of human anatomy, surgical equipment, and some type of medical training.  We would offer the right applicant health, dental, and vision insurance after six months of service, and two weeks of paid vacation after nine months of service.  You will be provided with sterilization equipment (unless you choose to bring your own).

The right person would be responsible for anesthesia, opening (cutting), and closing (stitches).  You must be patient, as well as have a steady hand.

We want someone who would be willing to do housekeeping as well.  You would essentially be responsible for dusting, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, laundry, straightening up, making beds, changing & laundering bedding 3x a week, taking out garbage, washing windows, and cleaning the bathroom.

This would be a long-term, full-time, live-out position that offers many benefits.  Our perfect applicant would be male, Jewish or Indian, between the ages of 45-55, NON-SMOKER, drug free, active, healthy, able to multi-task efficiently, perform surgery on a regular basis, and have a clean driving record.  Applicant must also be personable, reliable, honest, hard-working, and be able to take directions well.  You MUST have your own vehicle that is fully insured, along with a valid driver’s license.  A copy of your driving history would be great.

We ask that you submit your resume, or a three year work history, reference contact information, along with your contact information.  Interviews will be held in a public place, and you will be required to submit to all requirements before being hired.  We take our surgeries very seriously, and do not want any issues.  We do require a criminal background check, and drug testing to be completed.  We require that the applicant be CPR certified, First Aid trained, and be able to do that thing where you poke a hole in someone’s neck and the breathe into it with a straw.  Should you need to be certified in CPR/First Aid, and that thing with the straw, we would pay for that.  We will require random drug testing that we pay for.

We will require that you wear a uniform – for no other reason than to be ridiculous and make you uncomfortable.  We will provide latex-free gloves for when it comes to performing surgery and cleaning duties.  Hair must be kept short, and under a cap when operating, to keep it out of our organs and tissue.

Interested applicants can write to us at (a ridiculous email address).  Serious applicants only need apply.  Please put “surgeon” in the subject line so we know you are not spam.  If an email does not contain the code word, it will be treated as spam and deleted.  Failure to follow directions would be a reason for us to not hire you.

If you really wanna piss me off…

Alright, I’ve got a little something to get off of my chest.  Some of you probably won’t like it too much, but too damn bad.  It MUST be said!

I do not have children.  I’ve wanted to have children my whole life.  However, this has not happened for me.  And now at age 40, my hopes aren’t so high for it ever happening.  People in situations similar to mine; like never having the opportunity (I’ve never been pregnant), or fertility issues, really, really fucking HATE two things.

First, they hate to listen to you bitch about parenthood.  I understand that it’s tough, it’s really hard work, it’s exhausting and heartbreaking at times.  Anybody with half a fucking brain knows this.  It’s hard.  It’s just that to the ears of someone who desperately wants a child, it sounds like you don’t appreciate the wonderful child(ren) you have, and then we just think you’re an asshole and don’t deserve them.

The next one is a more unique situation.  People like me, single, childless, probably for the long haul…but who have made a career of raising children, really want to slap the shit out of anyone who says, “Oh but you don’t even have children, you don’t understand.”  “It’s different when it’s your OWN child, you just don’t know.”  Umm…listen good, because I’m only going to say this once.  RUDE!  And incredibly ignorant.

Granted, there may be a few people out there, for which this is true.  But I’m pretty sure it’s not the chick who has been raising other people’s children since she was 17 years-old.  Probably not the girl who had kids in her bed at night, puking on her, had newborns keeping her up all night, and worked many 24/7 shifts as a live in nanny.  It’s not the lady who has 22 years of experience, raising a wide variety of children, from very diverse families with a variety of special needs, and studying early childhood development theory, at a really excellent school, by the way.  Who managed to earn several certifications along the way, is a known expert in potty training, and newborn care.  Not the girl who wrote music and art curriculum, and raised more kids than you ever will.  Nope, not that girl.

I’m fucking intelligent enough to understand the unique dynamics of the parent/child relationship.

But what’s great about this lady (me), is that I still have objectivity.  Parents have a need to justify whatever it is their doing, keeping right in line with Belief Dependent Realism.  So parents out there, writing similar shit to me, are saying, “I did this, so here’s why it’s all good.  I’ve even used my Confirmation Bias to prove that I’m right!”

The great thing about me?  I change my methods based on evidence, I am objective.  I have more practice than most people out there.  But even better, I have practice in so many different situations, thatwhat you did I’m not like one of those people who have a hammer, so everything is automatically a nail.  I see the big picture.  I see the uniqueness in every situation.  And I am majorly creative.

I mention this because today someone questioned my abilities.  Well, the proof is in the pudding, son.  The children I’ve raised are amazingly awesome human beings.  The center I run is one of THE best in the state.  Our infant room makes other infant rooms look like that trash compactor thing that Han Solo, Chewbacca, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia fell into.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you don’t have to take my advice, but you’ll be really happy you did.

And if anyone says to me “You don’t know because you don’t have kids.”  I’m gonna push them into the trash compactor and cross my fingers that a dianoga gets them.